Best of Red Dwarf Quotes Series 1

Here’s a sweet list of quotes from the BBC program Red Dwarf – Series 1.

Lister: [singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I’ve been around…
Rimmer: Lister?
Lister: Hmm?
Rimmer: Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.

Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
Lister: You what? You went in there, wrote “I AM A FISH” four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!
Rimmer: That’s a total lie.
Lister: No, it’s not. Peterson told me.
Rimmer: “No, it’s not. Peterson told me.” Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too… radical, too unconventional, too mold-breaking for the examiners to accept.
Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!

[edit] Future Echoes

Holly: I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How’s life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What’s the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening’s slob? God, you’re a disgrace to the species. [jogs away]
[Lister]: Good morning, Rimmer.

[edit] Balance of Power

Holly: Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.
Lister: Holly, all his mates were French!

Rimmer: What’s this? Learning drugs? They’re illegal, matey! I’m afraid you’re in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

[edit] Waiting For God

Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain’s remarks: “Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn’t want to get tied down to a career.”

Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain’s remarks: “There’s a saying amongst the officers: If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well. If it’s not worth doing, give it to Rimmer.”

[edit] Confidence and Paranoia

Cat: Hey, this has been a really good day. I’ve eaten five times, I’ve slept six times, and I’ve made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I’m gonna see if I can’t have sex with something.

Cat: [sings] S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I’m gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!

[edit] Me²

Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my mother’s photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn’t know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

Lister: Yo, I didn’t know you had any medals. What are they for?
Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service… Twelve years long service.